Being 'okay'
by MyLittleFangirlWorld
Summary: Sugawara hurt. Mentally and psychically, but he faced every day with a smile. Because if he stopped smiling, everything would come crashing down. Maybe it had always been nothing more than a matter of time. (Implied DaiSuga)
1. Chapter 1

Sugawara had always been positive. So cheerful and happy and smiling, always so, so positive because if he weren't he wouldn't be able to _stand it_.

It was a developed defence mechanism, something to get him through the day. To make it possible to get up in the morning instead of simply giving up. To restrain himself from making _that_ decision again, he simply had to find some way to block things out. Because he couldn't go down that forsaken road again, couldn't possibly be that selfish.

So he found an escape in telling himself it was nothing. Because it was nothing. Everyone had their own problems, and he couldn't force his own upon others as well, didn't have time to focus on it when people so obviously needed him.

It didn't matter how bad he felt that morning, how tough his week had been or the pain of those news he received a month ago was, he faced the day. People relied on him, and he didn't have time to wallow in his own self-pity, it simply wasn't the way things worked. Hinata had looked a little dull yesterday, so of course he had to make sure everything was alright with him, ask Tanaka how it went on that important test and make sure everyone else was okay because that was what was important. Not that he'd ever skip training either way, Daichi would start asking as always.

He didn't need to know because it wasn't that big of a deal.

 _It's okay. It's okay, it's okay, itsokayitsokayitsokayisok_ ay…

A mantra that usually worked.

Just smile. They won't notice, nothing is out of the ordinary. Smile and great and praise and laugh and just smile, nobody will be able to tell.

Except Daichi.

The captain kept sending concerned glances his way. The same looks he'd received for a long time now, thus the ravenette kept missing balls he always caught, and not giving out orders or reprimands as he should. He always knew when something was up with Suga, always cared enough to dig deeper, no matter how many times he came up empty handed.

Because there was no need for that, nothing to find. He was fine. Everything was okay, and he had to stop wallowing in self-pity. It would only make the situation worse, and he didn't need that. Couldn't _stand_ that.

 _He was breaking enough as it was._

No amounts of telling himself otherwise helped, his breaths were growing quicker and his head hurt twice as badly as it had earlier.

But it could be _worse_. Yeah. He had to remember that, because it could always be less okay. He had Daichi. He had his teammates. That was everything he could ever need. So _don't_. _Cry_.

Don't don't don't it's okay, it's _okay_.

He couldn't hear the questioning voice of Nishinoya, didn't notice the stares of the others as the room suddenly started to spin, quickly growing more and more blurry.

He didn't realize his legs had given out on him until he found himself kneeling on the cold floor. Okay, no it's okay, he just had to get up before anyone noticed, had to escape his own reality into the one he forced to happen. That didn't work out though. Loud sounds were resonating through the gym, Daichi's voice suddenly screaming right beside him.

"SUGA! ARE YOU OKAY?! HEY, TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!"

Daichi's screaming seemed to multiply his headache times ten. He didn't focus enough to make out the words, but he was familiar enough with the captain and the practised answer to mumble out a familiar, "I'm fine..."

Daichi's hands were trying to pull his chin up, trying to look into his eyes but he weakly resisted. Tears were quickly leaking out as he frantically tried to stifle the sobs between frantic breathing. _When did that happen…?_

He was crying in front of all these people he cared so much about. Holding up the training- he had to move or get up- get away from there. _I can't just break down like this, I'm just making them worry over nothing, this isn't how it works._

"You're _not_ Suga, let me help you, tell me what's-!"

 _Help me_. "No, it's okay, I'm fine..." _I can't breathe_.

 _Please_. "Suga-!" _Get away from me._

"I said I'm fine," he said, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes in a last ditch effort to restrain the tears. "I'll just need a second for myself please," he said but still his legs wouldn't move. It hurt. He needed to get away. He was fine, why couldn't they see that? Daichi was just a worrywart, had always been when it came to the silver haired boy. He didn't have to be that because Sugawara was always fine, always smiling and he wasn't about to change that.

The familiar, reassuring smile didn't come though. Everything his efforts brought was more tears. He couldn't put this on them, they would worry and they had their own business to worry about and Suga didn't have time for this because he had to make sure everyone else was fine and he just knew Daichi wouldn't be if he knew and everyone would treat him differently and he didn't want that and he was breaking and the world was suddenly crumbling and how did this happen, it had gone so well-…

He hadn't realized the voices had faded out again, didn't notice Hinata putting a big jacket over his shoulders or Daichi gently picking him up. His chest hurt just as much as his head now. All his efforts seemed to be futile as the hyperventilating just grew and the tears never stopped.

 _It hurts so much._

 **A/N: If you liked it, would you be so kind to drop a review?** **J**

 **-Hugs MJ**


	2. Chapter 2

**Holy skittles, apparently my mail is broken so I had no idea this story had reviews! Thanks so much, you guys are so, so sweet and your comments truly make me very happy!**

 **And yes, I do realise that I left it kinda thready and hanging… And seeing as you're all amazing I thought to try a small continuation of this, I hope it won't disappoint! :D**

Life wasn't always easy. Few people knew that as well as Sugawara Koushi did. What he did also know, at least what he thought he used to know, was that the most important thing was how you handled the hardships. Wallow in self-pity or be negative, of course anything seems rough then. But as it turned out, there were things in life that you couldn't see from a bright side. Some things just weren't possible to laugh away or try to change an attitude towards.

As it turns out, neither was it possible to ignore it. To swipe it under the carpet and do the best shot at moving on. These things seemed to occur just more and more frequently in his life, so the solution was instead to hide it away. To escape, to ignore, because he was way too much of a coward to confront it after all these years. Ten to be precise.

He'd thought he wouldn't recognise him. All that was forever imprinted in his mind was that deadly glare, the gaze filled with anger and hurt, pupils dilated by heavy drugs. The rest was a little fussy, like the exact tone of his skin or the shape of his brow. That was until Sugawara suddenly found himself a mere 15 feet away from him, and it all came crushing down upon him.

The feeling of calloused hands, pressing against his throat, the sound of the awful shouts and screams or the smell of sweat and alcohol.

Because suddenly he was a seven-year-old again, clutching his stuffed polar bear tightly as he stared at the red pool, steadily growing over the light tiles.

He'd been asleep when the door was suddenly slammed open. Within a split second he was wide awake, curtesy of a loud scream echoing throughout their house. Instantly, he recognised the sounds of his father. Sadly, it hadn't been the first time he came home in the middle of the night, smelling weird and doing things Koushi was pretty sure no one else's father did. All he really wanted was to drag his desk in front of the door and hide under his cover, but he knew he couldn't do that. Mom was downstairs, and from the shouting he could instantly make out that dad wasn't happy at her. He knew she wanted him to stay in his room, but he couldn't do that. He knew it would make dad even angrier if he did, but most importantly he couldn't leave his mommy all by herself when his dad got strange.

"You fucking bitch, stop lying to me! Is that fucker even mine or do you and Jonas go even further back! Huh?! ANSWER ME!" A loud smack was heard as his mom suddenly was sent into a wall. His dad didn't stop there though, and Koushi recognised the situation with the large fist his dad sent up.

"Stop!" He heard himself scream, but he was too late. The fist was brought down upon his moms head and she fell to the floor from the impact. His dad's attention though was changed. The gaze of brown eyes locked on him, but they were definitely wrong. They were red rimmed and hazy. Scary.

"Get down here," his dad stated, voice now scarily cold. Koushi could feel his hands shake, meeting the strange gaze as he didn't dare look away.

"Run to your room Kousi! Now!" His mom screamed in an high pitch. There was something wrong. This wasn't like those other times his dad got violent, his mom wasn't trying to be brave or get his dad calm. No, she looked just as scared as Koushi felt. This was something worse, unknown to the small boy.

"Shut up!" His dad thundered and kicked his mom harshly in the ribs. Koushi was just about to run down to try to do something, _anything_ , to get his dad to _stop_ _that_. But instead, his dad started coming closer towards the stairs. Koushi's wide gase met his moms equally panicked one, and he couldn't make out the words of her screams any longer.

Suddenly, his dad was there and holding him tightly around the throat with one big hand. Reality blurred, and what would come to happen next was nothing more than a mess of screams, pain and **_red_**.

His dad brought back his fist to pound him, but suddenly his mom was there. His dad bellowed. The hand with the bottle moved. The sound of shattering glass filled the air.

Suddenly, Koushi wasn't at the top of the staircase any longer, his head was pounding, everything rang and his knee burned greatly. He was to disoriented to even remotely figure out what had happened. Through strangely hazy eyes he looked up, trying to find his mom.

His dad looked shocked… standing over her still body. Staring. Koushi couldn't look away either. Not from the image of his mother's cracked up and bleeding skull.

He thinks he lost consciousness before he could scream. When he woke up though, it would be weeks till he stopped screaming. Years until he stopped crying. The time he would ever forget the events of that fateful night though, would never come.

xXx

He'd been placed at his aunt's house a few months after that. At that time, she'd still been married to someone, and they had two children together with the third in her belly. They had four all in all before they divorced a few years after Koushi came, but all the kids still lived at the house.

His aunt was very kind, and he knew fully well that if it wasn't for her, he would have ended up at an orphanage until he came of age. No one would have adopted a broken kid after all. A kid who was quiet during the day and screamed from relieving his father murdering his mom each night. Yet, he was taken in.

Being surrounded by his small cousins every day, he soon realised he couldn't walk around being depressed. Bit by bit, he started talking again and helped out as much as he could. Trying to occupy his mind by taking care of his cousins, he found that those memories of his father slowly got buried under the surface.

Soon, those smiles and the positivizes had managed to trick the world, to trick himself, that he'd recovered. It was better to be happy, he knew that his mom wouldn't have wanted anything else. So he smiled for her sake. He buried his own thoughts in order to do what she did, help others and try to see the bright side. He would like to think he did it pretty well. He'd never, ever, forget his mother. She didn't deserve her faith, kind and gentle and always smiling, she was placed in an arranged marriage with the man who became her murderer. He wouldn't be able to try to actively forget her the way he tried to forget his father, but it hurt so much to think about her that gradually, he started denying those thoughts too. He couldn't fall apart when he knew that this new family of his actually needed him, couldn't break the slightest bit because he knew he would shatter by the sheer force of the past.

He swallowed those antidepressants and smiled at the mirror until he had the courage to smile in public. It soon became sort of an addiction. Smiling to stop the tears from falling.

Soon, he hadn't cried in years. Hadn't felt depressed or broken or lonely in the way he used to, because he knew that it was so easy to fall back in. To go down _that_ road. And he'd promised never to do that again. It was easier to ignore. Until the other day, when it simply overflowed.

He hadn't been in contact with his father since the police came. They'd found his father days later and locked him up for drug dealing. Yeah, that's right- drug dealing. They never had enough evidence to place him for abuse and the murder of Sugawara's mom. An eight-year-old with a concussion and pray for a trauma wasn't enough for that.

Sugawara resented the man so much it hurt. He just wanted to forget about his existence.

That was hard though, when he 28 days ago received a call that his dad had been released from prison.

When he'd only hours ago had seen his dad walking down the street.

xXx

Sometimes, all you can do is lie in a bed, and hope that you'll fall asleep before you fall apart. Nights were always the hardest after all.

That one in particular though, was one of the worst he'd ever been through. It was only hours after he saw _him_. He'd called Daichi as soon as he's slammed his apartment door to lock it quickly. Hyperventilating and far beyond on the verge of a panic attack, he'd called without even realizing it before he heard Daichi's familiar voice on the other end. It had been a simple "Yup, hello," but it shot him back to reality. He held his breath without realizing it as Daichi continued after the silence.

"Suga, is that you?"

Sugawara felt his knees buckle as he slid down against the door, checking for the fifth time if the door was really locked. But he couldn't speak. Wouldn't let himself.

With shaking hands, he stopped the call and buried his face in his arms, trying to steady his once more erratic breathing.

He shouldn't be panicking. He was safe. There was nothing more that man could do to him, no more pain he could endure.

The man didn't know where they lived. There was a code up to the building. The door was locked. Still, he got up on shaky knees, leaning against the walls as he made his way to his small bedroom and putting the desk chair in front of the door. Crawling down under his cover he pulled it tightly over his head, wanting to scream, wanting to cry. The only thing he could do though was to try his best to breath against the pain and panic.

xXx

In after hand, it had been very stupid to go to school the next day. He knew that the others would start questioning otherwise, or maybe it was because he just _couldn't_ _stand_ being alone at the moment. His aunt had taken all of the kids to visit their other parent in Sweden, and they wouldn't be back for a few days.

So he'd went to school, to practise. And of course the questioning came anyway. Apparently he looked pale and tired, was quiet and jumpy and even Tanaka realized that something wasn't right. He tried to smile it away, brush it aside, but he was pretty sure that no intelligent words came out. As if that hadn't worried the others enough, he also managed to break completely.

So there he was, with absolutely no idea of what was even happening. All he knew was that Daichi was there, he couldn't breath and his chest hurt a lot.

Everything just seemed to come crashing down upon him, the closed of memories of his dad, the fear, panic, betrayal and pain it brought to see the man who'd murdered his mother.

It seemed like every closed of tear hadn't helped after all. They'd just gathered up, hitting him like a great flood until he felt blood running down his wrists.

 **Yikes, the angst goes over the edges again… Oh well, thanks for reading, love you guys!**

 **-hugs MJ**


	3. Chapter 3

**THANKS A TON TO EVERY AMAZING REVIEWER AND PERSON GIVING THIS A CHANCE, I just can't say that loud enough because you are awesome and deserve another chapter!**

 **Jessie00003** : Oh my, it means so incredibly much to me that you gave me the time of that very kind review! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I wish you an amazing day love!

 **TarantulaLove** : Haha yeah I know what you mean, hope your brain grows back! (so I perhaps can explode it again with more angst to come). Thanks a ton for reviewing, have a great day love!

 **AliceW** : I'm so glag you're following my story, thanks a ton and a ton!

 **SnowFairy1605:** I'm so glad that you like the story! Thanks a ton for telling me love! And no, it's not fibromyalga. Sugawara had a sort of mental breakdown because he's been shutting out every feeling for a long time and it caught up to him. Again, thanks a lot again for sharing your thoughts, this chapter is for you! I truly hope you feel good and have an incredible day dear! /MJ

 **Steltaku12** : Hi and thanks a ton for reviewing, made my day! Thanks a ton, hugs for you dear!

Daichi had known Suga for nearly three years. And through them, he could say that Suga hadn't changed a lot. If he compared it to himself, he'd changed a ton. Daichi had gotten much more responsible, serious and, according to Nishinoya at least, much more 'fatherly' (whatever that meant). Nishinoya had changed too, of course. He'd most often be reading books during breaks, and was very much more patient before. Asahi wasn't as anxious, Hinata wasn't as introverted, and everyone Daichi knew had changed during high school in some way or another.

But Suga was practically the same. Always hyped, happy and smiling, joking and punching down other people's negativity. Even during finals, even sick with flue. And that had never changed without anyone really giving it any thought.

But there Daichi stood one day, on completely unfamiliar territory. Because that day, Suga hadn't come to training with a bright smile and cheerful hello. He'd changed his shoes in silence before joining training without even glancing at his captain. So Daichi suspected something was off. This was most certainly confirmed as he saw close up just how pale Suga looked, how he had dark circles under dulled eyes. He saw how the tosses weren't as great as they usually were either, the setter's hands seemingly shaking.

So there Daichi stood on very, very unfamiliar territory. Yet he knew he had to go talk to Suga as soon as he had the chance. He felt confused, very much so, and angry at something. He didn't know what, perhaps at the school system for giving his Suga stress or at whoever had caused this. He'd find out, and he'd go yell. That was his plan. As he thought about how to break it to the other, Yamaguchi walked forwards and carefully poked at his bicep to get attention.

"Daichi-kun, do you know if is Suga okay?" He said. The boy looked concerned, and it somehow worried Daichi more that he wasn't the only one to pick up on it, after only a few minutes notice.

"I don't know," he nearly spat out, much more forcefully than he'd intended because he didn't know and he was not so slowly going crazy by this sudden mystery. Koushi had been fine yesterday, right? _What_ had happened, _who_ had done this _, how does he fix it._

He vaguely noticed Yamaguchi nod solemnly beside him before going back to his usual spot beside Tsukkishima. Had Daichi cared to look at that direction he would have noticed that even the tall blocker was studying their friend.

As practice went on, Suga kept being quiet or zoned out. Tired and somehow glazed eyes were continuously casting glances at the door instead of meeting anyone's looks. He didn't even seem to comprehend what others were saying to him, only shaking his head when someone worriedly asked him if something what was wrong, picking up a volleyball to start over. Daichi was definitively going to bring this up when practise was over. Not a minute later because he was quickly growing insane from the worry.

During the middle of it he had the thought that, maybe he should call practise of`..?

Or maybe, he thought soon, it wasn't as bad as his mind made it out to be, maybe Suga was just tired and had a bad day. Maybe he was being concerned over nothing, because everyone had those.

That thought immediately went out of his head when he suddenly heard Noya shout out a familiar nickname. Flashing his head around he immediately located Suga, Nishinoya bending down beside him and Narita rushing towards them. The gym was quickly folded in complete silence save for the ignored strayed balls.

"Koushi," Daichi tried, taking an even tighter grip around the setter. He tried to gain attention, but there was no use. Instead he put his work to gently pry Suga's hands away from the tight grip he had on hiself. That was when he noticed the thin streams running down from where his friend had deeply implanted his nails. "Koushi!" He instead shouted frantically, forcefully bending away the setters trembling hands to prevent him from further hurting himself. Suga didn't even seem to notice.

"I'm getting the nurse," Asahi finally piped up, voice unsteady and concern clear throughout its ring.

Daichi took this into consideration, but only for a moment. He didn't think this was one of those situations a stranger could help in. So he shook his head, grabbing on to both of Suga's hands with one of his own. Even through his tight grip, he could feel the continuous trembling. "Leave it. I think you should go calm the others, I'll take care of him." _I'll do anything I possibly can_ , Daichi mentally added, meeting Asahi's eyes. They reflected the fear he felt himself, but Asahi was always like that so it shouldn't have made his chest clench further. Hopefully the third year could manage to reassure the younger ones at least a bit despite that.

Asahi nodded solemnly, seemingly wanting to both stay and run far away. He was a very close friend to Suga too, after all, and it must pain also him to see him like this.

As soon as Daichi had uttered the words he turned his full attention back to Sugawara, not looking up when the door opened and closed. He let out a soft breath, carefully slipping one arm behind his friends back and one under his drawn up knees, placing him close on his own lap instead. When he had, he tucked his chin over ash blonde curls and started rocking ever so slowly back and forth on the locker room floor. Sugawara's breathing was still laboured, uneven and worrisome. Hot tears sank into Daichi's red t-shirt, pale hands clinging to it like a lifeline. Come to think of it, Suga was if possible even paler now than before, the drops of blood lingering on his arms were standing out painfully.

They sat there for who knows how long, Daichi never letting up his grip falter, still rocking as he whispered what he hoped was calming words. Finally, Suga's hands weren't hanging on for all he was worth to Daichi, his tears still leaking but sobs weak and fragile instead of frantic and broken.

As Daichi sat wondering if he should try to say something, Suga beat him to it.

"'m sorry," he murmured burying his head deeper in Daichi's chest.

The captain smiled sadly but fondly, taking up one hand to gently card it through ash blonde hair. "Don't be…" He responded quietly, not knowing if there was anything more he should say. So instead, they both sat together for a while longer, only an occasional sob breaking the air of the room. From the gym, they could hear the small smatters of volleyball hitting the floor, shoes against plastic floors and calls for familiar names. Daichi probably didn't imagine that it sounded way less energetic than usual though, even if there were thick walls separating them.

After who knows how long, (practise had ended a pretty long while ago so everyone else was probably gone) Suga wasn't sobbing, and Daichi knew he must be exhausted. Therefore, he decided on the next cause of action, and spoke again.

"What do you say we get you home?" Daichi knew there was no chance he was leaving Suga all by himself tonight, his family were out of town too, so of course he'd come with. Luckily, he had taken his mom's car to school that day because of him oversleeping, and he doubted Suga could walk all the way back like he usually did. A few seconds passed before he felt a slow nod against him, Suga carefully pulling away from where he'd hid. Daichi felt his heart if possible shatter even more, because he'd never seen Suga like this. Not like he'd seen the others, Asahi had cried in front of him many times, from fear and joy and sadness, Yui fallen in a heap of broken self-esteem that told her she wasn't good enough of a captain. Even Nishinoya who seemed to be able to take on the world had curled up and broken when Asahi had left the team, Kageyama who rarely showed feelings had been devastated when he'd fought too far with Hinata. Daichi had seen his friends and his family be sad and happy and angry and anxious. Except for Suga. Suga, who he knew better than anyone. Who was the one person on earth Daichi would do anything for.

Yet he felt so useless. At least he had those experiences with people breaking, and therefore he knew that he had to figure out what was wrong. Honestly, he had absolutely no idea. He also knew that Suga couldn't talk about it right now.

"Can you walk?" He carefully asked, watching as Suga pressed the heels of his palms on his eyes to wipe away some stray tears before nodding slowly. So Daichi helped him up, having a supporting grip around the weak setter's waist until they'd made their way into Daichi's mom's car.

When he'd buckled Suga into the front seat, he carefully closed the door and slipped up his phone. Then he sent a quick text of them leaving to Asahi before he sat down at the driver's seat and ran the old engine. As he drove, he kept stealing glances at Sugawara, keeping his head leaned against the window with exhausted eyes staring into nothing, hands limp in his lap, thankfully instead of tearing at skin.

And Daichi couldn't help but hate himself for always thinking that Suga simply was too strong to be put down.

He was clearly as shatterable as anyone else, and he finally knew that.

Daichi just hoped he could puzzle together all of the pieces… Or figure out what had shattered the illusion.

 **A/N: Reviews mean so incredibly much to me, so if you'd be so kind to drop a thought I would love that!**

 **I'll try to make another chapter soon, I just have such a hard time figuring out what to do with this so I'm very sorry about that :( But have an incredible day/good night darling and thanks for reading!**


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